


I Can Hear The Sea

by liebestraum



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Studio Ghibli, M/M, School Reunion, Smut, lots of yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:54:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27729103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liebestraum/pseuds/liebestraum
Summary: Soonyoung returns to Seoul for a high school reunion and finds out that nothing is really the same anymore (or, the Ocean Waves au).
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 99





	I Can Hear The Sea

"I guess I didn't realize," Jihoon says that day at the pier, "how much you actually liked her back then."

Soonyoung's ears are burning from where the sunset is gently swaying over his nape. He's still slightly stunned from having Jihoon next to him after three years, that his body is reacting the same way as it did when he was only sixteen. High school had seemed a distant dream for the past few years, but now it’s right there, so close to the touch.

A boat comes into focus, a tiny thing with a shabby paint job slowly pulling in. Jihoon is standing straight, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his fitted pants like he isn't sure what to do with himself. They both watch it stutter over the waves in silence.

"I don't know what you mean," Soonyoung says when the pause stretches on for too long.

"Don't act clueless. I know you, Soonyoung, you’re too smart for that."

Jihoon had picked him up earlier that day at the train station. Back when they were just fresh-faced juniors they used to take the bus together, Jihoon obstinately wearing his bulky headphones to block out Soonyoung’s incessant ramblings until he was reluctantly forced to turn the volume off. Jihoon has a car now, a brand new Subaru, red and polished and smelling of air freshener. Jihoon had leant against its side when Soonyoung had walked up to him, his eyes lazily scanning the crowd like he hadn't been looking for anything or anyone in particular.

Soonyoung had seen him like everything around him was tilted and uninteresting - everything true was Jihoon dressed up in his striped, white and blue, short-sleeved shirt, his hair dyed back to its original black colour, the breath of spring all around him. Soonyoung had to do a double take before making a move to greet him. Jihoon had met his eyes and smiled with a genuine excitement that had left Soonyoung flustered.

Presently, Soonyoung feels similarly caught off guard. He stands up from where he was sitting down, assessing the yachts and fishing boats and the sunset sizzling out, and stubbornly faces Jihoon until the latter looks back at him.

"I'm not really sure who's playing pretend here," Soonyoung remarks, his tone already rising.

"Don't be a bore, Soonyoung. Everybody at the reunion will tell you the same I'm telling you now."

"You're not everyone."

Jihoon shrugs. "What, then?"

Soonyoung represses a strong urge to scream. The pier is quiet outside of the screeching gulls and the to and fro of waves crashing against the boats and themselves. It isn't cold, but the wind rustles Jihoon's loose-fitted shirt and his hair across his forehead and over his ears. In that moment everything is so still and Soonyoung just wants to burst.

"It was never about her," Soonyoung insists, terrified of his own words.

Jihoon laughs, shakes his head and moves closer to the edge of the pier to look at the water below. "If you say so."

Soonyoung's mood shifts so quickly that he sees stars behind his eyelids. "When you punched me that day back in senior year was it because of her? Or because of something else?"

That rips the smugness right out of Jihoon's face. He turns around, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"I knew that day that you knew."

"What are you talking about?" Jihoon asks, his voice low and uncertain.

"You punched me because you realized that I liked you for all those years, right?"

In that moment a few things seemingly happen at once. First Jihoon takes an involuntary step backward, his foot sliding on the edge of the pier. Then, Soonyoung is leaping forward, trying to hold on to him, but instead plunging them both beyond the dock, down below. Finally, water and Jihoon's limbs heavy against his side as they both struggle to go up to the surface.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Jihoon yells when he can finally gasp for air.

"I thought you were gonna fall!"

"For fuck's-"

Which is how they end up in Jihoon's hotel room, drenched and too awkward to strip in front of each other. The lady at the front desk had side eyed them both, but had said nothing as they had made their way towards the elevator. Soonyoung had felt like a dick. Now he feels like an idiot.

"You really are a bore," Jihoon says, and it reminds Soonyoung of Eunjeong that day in Jeju. "I'm going to take a bath. Try not to touch anything."

Soonyoung stands in the middle of the room, defeated and motionless. It had been a horrible display, as far as confessions went. Jihoon hadn't said a word to him the whole way to the hotel other than "I'm fucking freezing". Soonyoung hadn't replied.

The carpet is stained dark and damp under Soonyoung's feet. He can hear the shower running and longs for the warm water hitting his scalp and his shoulders. Again, he's pervaded by a strong sense of déjà vu.

"Go on," Jihoon says as he comes out of the bathroom, dressed in his black pyjamas. "I got you some clothes."

The pants don't fit Soonyoung terribly well, only covering so far as the top of his ankles, but Jihoon's white shirt is baggy enough to do the job. Soonyoung sneezes at every odd interval, his body quivering and his head aching. The hot water helps slightly.

"Would you like to stay?" Jihoon asks when Soonyoung reenters the room.

"There's only one bed," Soonyoung points out.

"How did you room with Eunjeong?"

Without missing a beat: "I slept in the bathtub."

Jihoon snorts. "How very like you."

"I'm not lying. You'd know."

Jihoon closes his eyes and sneezes. A few seconds later, Soonyoung mimics him.

"I've got spare pyjamas."

“I really should go. I have an hotel reservation.”

“Please don’t.”

It surprises Soonyoung, the sheer pleading quality of Jihoon’s words. For a moment he lets the moment linger, foolishly wishing for them to be in a different situation where Jihoon would be telling him not to go. As it stands, Soonyoung knows he wants to talk. Jihoon has never been one to leave his business unfinished.

“Alright.”

Just like that, he stays. He can call the hotel tomorrow and tell them he had been held up at home. For now, he unbuttons his shirt as Jihoon averts his eyes, looking through the restaurant menu stacked in the drawer. Jihoon’s pyjamas are too warm for spring weather, so Soonyoung just puts on a spare sweater and remains only with his boxer shorts on. He has always found Jihoon’s tendency to bundle up endearing, especially when he used to warm his hands between his thighs during lectures and his nose would get all red in the unheated classroom. Soonyoung remembers Jihoon would barely even write during those winter days.

“I can take the bathtub, I guess. I won’t like it much,” Soonyoung half-jokes.

“I’m thinking of ordering something up. What do you feel like eating?”

It’s like a game of broken telephone. The hotel waiter eyes them oddly as he leaves the cart inside the room and Soonyoung has at least the decency to hide his legs beneath the covers as Jihoon thanks him.

“You’re quite easy to convince, aren’t you?” Jihoon remarks as he breaks a shrimp between his fingers.

“I’ve never been quite able to deny you, have I?”

Jihoon pops the shrimp into his mouth and licks his fingers, dropping its shell on an empty bowl. “Tastes disgusting.”

“I don’t remember you liking seafood.”

“I don’t.”

Jihoon’s dinner consists of bread barred with butter and a can of soda. Soonyoung eats the shrimps. They barely talk and the room, being devoid of any communication device, leaves them enshrouded in silence. How odd, Soonyoung thinks, that even after these years without seeing each other the quiet between them is still so comfortable. He wants to ask Jihoon what he has been up to since he left high school, what were his ambitions now, how many people had he met since, how many had he dated?

Jihoon must know what he’s thinking, because he smiles mischievously and says nothing. Then, while they eat dessert, Jihoon says “I’ve missed you back in Busan. No one seems to know what the fuck they’re doing there. Myself included.”

“I thought you were studying International Relations.”

“Exactly.”

Soonyoung eats another spoonful of his mango pudding. More than feeling overwhelmed by Jihoon’s proximity, mostly he just feels nostalgic. Almost like it was meant to be for them to be like this, eating things they don’t even like just to impress the other and then ending up with treats in their mouths and talking like they had never stopped.

“I’m not that far off, really. History.”

“That’s miles off.”

“Well, history is just a record of international relations if you think about it.”

Jihoon laughs. Soonyoung’s chest deflates almost comically.

“You never liked history.”

“I still don’t. I just didn’t manage to get into anything else.”

Jihoon nods sympathetically. “How many years until you finish?”

“It’s my last one.”

“Same here. Look at us both.”

They let the pause stretch on for a while.

“Do you still dance?” Jihoon eventually asks.

“Yes. Do you still sing?”

“Sometimes.”

The awkwardness settles upon them again. Once they had spoken about great plans for the future, of auditioning together somewhere, of merging everything they did into one. Now they’re nearly strangers to each other and to themselves. Soonyoung pushes the rest of the pudding away, having suddenly lost his appetite.

“I want you to tell me. About Jeju.”

Soonyoung sighs. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“You must have known that I would be hurt. You knew I liked her.”

“I knew.”

“Then-”

Soonyoung frowns at the plain tablecloth. So he’s going to pretend Soonyoung hasn’t said anything. So be it.

“That day a friend of Eunjeong’s called me, telling me she was planning on using my money to leave for Jeju to see her father. She had tricked her friend, telling her that they were going to a concert. Anyways, the girl sounded distressed. She was crying. I told her I would go with Eunjeong. After all it was my money.”

 _I gave her that money so that she wouldn’t ask you for it_ , Soonyoung doesn’t say.

“As I thought, Eunjeong’s father repaid the loan I had given her. It was just one night and then I could come back. Eunjeong told me about her family issues and I felt bad. I slept in the bathtub. Her dull ex-boyfriend visited her the next day and they spoke of dull things. I came back and the only time I spoke to her again, she slapped me. I slapped her back. You punched me because I slapped her. That’s all.”

Jihoon folds his napkin, over and over again. “She insinuated something more when she talked to me.”

Soonyoung snorts. “That’s because I ignored her advances. She isn’t stupid. She must have realized…”

Soonyoung trails off as Jihoon’s eyes pin him down. The words die in his mouth.

“Why did you slap her?” Jihoon asks, calmly.

“I wasn’t thinking. Anyways, I was an idiot back then. She slapped me so hard that her hand left a mark on my face and I was angry.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Soonyoung wishes it wasn’t this difficult to explain himself. There had been nothing in that trip except annoyance and confusion as to what Jihoon might have seen in that girl, which had gradually transformed into perplexity the more time Soonyoung spent with her. There had also been pity for her and her broken home, a glimmer of something better for the future. Soonyoung isn’t seventeen anymore - he knows now that he conducted himself poorly, that he would have acted differently if he had the chance. He knows Eunjeong would have done the same. He hopes so, at least.

“She told you,” Soonyoung admits. “That we spent the night together.”

“She told everyone,” Jihoon corrects him.

“She told you first.”

He lets Jihoon mull over that.

“Do you still… have feelings for her?” Soonyoung asks, his heart racing at an abnormal speed. It almost sickens him to ask Jihoon that.

“Don’t be thick, Soonyoung, it’s been years. Even then, it was only an infatuation,” Jihoon assures him, although Soonyoung takes it with a grain of salt. “You didn’t like her then?”

“Jihoon,” is all Soonyoung says, desperate in some way or another. He gets up from the table and goes into the bathroom to wash his teeth with his finger coated in Jihoon’s mint toothpaste. Then, he curls up in the almost-dry bathtub and lets his eyes fall shut.

“Get out of there,” Jihoon tells him when he enters the bathroom. “You’ll freeze.”

“You just have a very low body temperature. I’m perfectly fine.”

“You can’t sleep there,” Jihoon insists when he finishes brushing his teeth.

“Then where do you want me to sleep?”

“In bed.”

Soonyoung side eyes him wearily. “I’ll take the floor, then.”

As Soonyoung lays on the carpet, wrapped up in a blanket, he considers how much his life has truly changed since back then. He feels stagnated, like something keeps pulling him back to that trip to Jeju, his destiny sealed in that commercial flight and that nondescript hotel room. Jihoon isn’t as skinny as he was back then - he’s broader now, his baby fat shed and replaced by sharp lines. Still, there are those slender hands Soonyoung used to love. Still, those almond-shaped eyes and the dimples in Jihoon’s laugh lines. Something else, too. Something that isn’t physical, that always lingered around Jihoon whenever Soonyoung saw him at school, that Soonyoung also remembers feeling the day Eunjeong first came to their school and Jihoon had called him at work to come and see her. Soonyoung had barely looked at her - he was too focused on Jihoon’s nape and his profile, at how pretty he looked when he was in love.

Now, as always, everything is amplified around Jihoon. No one back in Daegu could compare. No one had even come close to it. It was like Soonyoung had spent his years at university half-awake and now had been summoned to feel so strongly again, the heartache and the longing, the tragic, farcical quality of it all.

“Are we not going to talk about it?” Jihoon asks at about two in the morning. Soonyoung thinks he’s sleep talking at first. “About what you said to me at the pier.”

“What is there to say?” Soonyoung asks, his voice low and unused with sleep.

“How bad is it that you can’t lay with me?” Jihoon wonders aloud.

“Don’t be an ass,” Soonyoung says in spite of his neck heating up. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. It isn’t anything we’ve done before. You were always squeamish about physical contact.”

“It just feels so unnecessary.”

When Soonyoung turns on his back, Jihoon is staring down at him from the bed. He wants to climb up with him, more than anything. He would have, if he was still seventeen.

“I don’t mind those sorts of things, Soonyoung. But, you must know…” Jihoon doesn’t continue.

Still, Soonyoung says “I know”.

It still feels embarrassing to be rejected, even at twenty-one. Soonyoung closes his eyes and hopes for a sneeze that doesn’t come. His whole body is tense.

“Does it matter?” Jihoon sounds troubled.

“Of course it does,” Soonyoung says. “It always matters. To me.”

For a long while, Soonyoung thinks Jihoon has fallen back asleep. Then, he realizes he’s just pretending to be. It’s Jihoon’s way of marking the end of the conversation. Soonyoung obliges, letting his eyelids droop once more, though he doesn’t truly sleep until light is already filtering through the curtain. There is too much to think about, to replay in his head, to be projected into the future. Every minute detail of conversations that aren’t to be.

That morning is uneventful and the conversation they partake in over breakfast at a quiet bubble tea cafe isn’t exactly dull, but grounded on trivial matters nonetheless. It mostly revolves around their high school reunion that night - what will everyone be like, how much will they have changed?

“I was shocked when I saw you,” Jihoon admits, slurping at his bubble tea and then chewing on his straw, like he’s nervous about the words he just spoke.

“Oh? Why?”

“You just look… different.”

Soonyoung doesn’t ask if that’s for better or for worse. He just admires the pink flush that has risen to Jihoon’s ears. It has always been easy to tell when he's embarrassed. Soonyoung takes solace in the fact that some things still remain the same.

“Me too. It wasn’t that I didn’t recognize you, just that you looked… well, different.”

They leave it at that.

It seems almost ridiculous now that just the day before they had both been kicking their legs in the water, soaked and silent in the hotel elevator. Soonyoung starts laughing at that, and when he tells Jihoon why they both start giggling in the middle of the cafe, much to the chagrin and bemusement of the other patrons.

When they part ways, Soonyoung doesn't know what to do with himself. He feels no inclination to check into his hotel room, and besides (he remembers now) his suitcase is still stored away in Jihoon's car. They had left it at the pier's parking lot the day before, because Jihoon hadn't wanted his new leather to get all wet, and Soonyoung hadn't remembered to ask for his belongings when Jihoon had left him that morning to go and collect it.

"I sure hope it's intact," Jihoon had said. "Or else you'll have to account for it."

Soonyoung now realizes he hadn't asked Jihoon for his number. He guesses he may not have changed it for the past four years, but he doesn't want to risk it. How strange that they had spent the night together and now Soonyoung can't even contact Jihoon to ask for his suitcase. It's like an edenic glimpse has been broken.

The streets are getting more crowded, the beginning of summer crawling into the sidewalks adorned with colourful umbrellas that cast shade upon small cafes' tables and chairs. Soonyoung strolls aimlessly, buys kimchi from a street vendor, watches children chase each other and couples speaking softly to each other.

He had missed Seoul. Most of all he had missed the memories that came along with it. He takes the path he used to walk from his aunt's house when he had attended school there, before he had moved to Daegu to live with his parents again. There are students taking that same course, possibly eating the same food they used to in the same nooks and cranies that used to belong to them. The school seems foreign to him now, the new additions and designs, everything so similar and yet so obnoxiously wrong. Soonyoung stares at the building for just a second. Then, he keeps walking.

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣

"Dear, dear," Jeonghan says over the rim of his champagne glass. "Another couple has formed."

Soonyoung looks over to where Wonwoo and Sejeong are being congratulated, both shying away from the compliments and yelps of surprise and excitement.

"It was bound to be that way," Seungcheol remarks. "Our high school was very prone to developing close relationships."

Unconsciously Soonyoung's eyes slide towards the other side of the table, Jihoon's eyes already fixed on him. They exchange something silently - memories, warmth, friendship - and look away as they revive the past in watered down colours.

"You're awful quiet," Jeonghan says. "Don't be shy towards your seniors. How's college?"

Soonyoung's retelling of the past three years is a vast emptiness, it seems. At the chance he changes the topic to the subject of high school again, to those halcyon days that made life bearable for a while. Jihoon drinks more than he used to, or perhaps it's just tonight, because he flushes easily and so very beautifully.

Seungcheol playfully jabs Soonyoung on the ribs, snapping him out of it. "I do seem to remember you having a crush on Eunjeong."

"That was a misunderstanding," Soonyoung says.

"Didn't you and Jihoonie argue over it?" Jeonghan teases.

"Oh, come off it, Jeonghan-hyung," Jihoon says. "It wasn't like that at all."

Jeonghan laughs and drinks. Everyone follows suit.

"I miss high school," Soonyoung admits, his cheeks warm and his mouth numbed. "I miss playing tennis and setting up small fairs and watching the fireworks."

Seungcheol nods. Currently Seokmin comes up behind Jeonghan and hugs him tightly. The table erupts into a large cheer as Seokmin greets them all. The slow conversation makes Soonyoung feel awkward and upset that their connection isn't there anymore, but at the same time it feels reassuring to be with people who knew him back then, who are proof that he existed and that his memories are real. The boys are now men with facial hair threatening to peek through their clean-shaven faces and the girls wear makeup and heels now. Everyone drinks and smokes. Soonyoung picks a cigarette stub from the table and puts it out on the ashtray.

Wonwoo joins them a while later and they congratulate him, Junhui trailing behind him. Soonyoung feels a great love for everyone in that table, seniors, juniors, classmates - he also feels terribly tired.

"Are you alright?" Jihoon asks, appearing next to Soonyoung on the bar counter where the latter was asking for a refill.

"I think so. I forgot my luggage in your car."

"I know."

The bartender pours some greenish concoction into Soonyoung's glass.

"Isn't this strange? I feel like I know everybody here so well, but still don't know them at all. Like I can't grasp the time that has passed."

Soonyoung opens his mouth to reply, but at that moment Mina greets them and he lets himself fall silent again. It was Mina who had called that day Eunjeong was going to take the plane, crying and confused. She looks prettier now, more grown and self-assured.

"It's quite sad that Eunjeong couldn't come," Mina says. "She told me over the phone that she wanted to see someone who sleeps in bathtubs. How odd is that?"

For the first time that night Soonyoung sees Jihoon perk up. There's interest there, he thinks, somewhere. Probably in Eunjeong. Soonyoung lets jealousy wash over him and doesn't move a muscle.

"Too bad, really, that you too couldn't work out, Jihoonie. You looked so cute together!" Mina slaps Jihoon on the shoulder, laughing. Soonyoung can see him struggle to refrain from flinching away.

"You're too nosy," Jihoon says.

"Oh, I just don't like her new boyfriend very much. Or maybe I like him a bit too much? Anyways, you'd suit her much better."

Then she starts talking about her cats and Soonyoung loses interest. He can't focus much on what people say to him that night. He wants to listen while drinking and laughing, but mostly he just feels weary of being around people.

He sings karaoke with Seokmin and acts as obnoxiously as he can to cover up for his tiredness. His classmates had always looked upon him as a sort of class clown, so now Soonyoung was bound to sing and dance with everyone roaring their approval around him.

"You're doing too much," Jihoon tells him when he returns to the table. Only Junhui and Wonwoo are sitting there still and they both look at them curiously.

"I know what I'm doing," Soonyoung defends himself.

"That was a great rendition," Junhui says. His Korean is a bit rusty from having been on hold during college. That year Junhui had gone back to China and now he's studying to become an architect, which is a path so ambitious it had left Soonyoung quite stunned when Junhui first told him.

Wonwoo is at a Liberal Arts college, which certainly becomes him. He wears glasses now, thin-rimmed and round. Soonyoung remembers warm, near-summer days when all of them would melt into their tables as the teacher spoke, Junhui's eyes half-closed, Wonwoo's pencil chewed, Jihoon's gaze drifting towards the world outside. They used to eat together, balls of rice clumped up and sweet orange juice, and they talked about things Soonyoung couldn't even remember.

They all have a round and Soonyoung proposes that they play charades.

There's so much wrong in their reunion. Perhaps a lack of synergy, or maybe a jolt waiting to happen when the conversation finally gets going. Soonyoung wants to kiss Jihoon so badly. Wonwoo leaves the table to get back to Sejeong and Junhui interrupts his conversation with Jihoon about anime to go to the bathroom.

Jihoon doesn't even look at him.

They spend the rest of the night apart and Soonyoung doesn't even know some of the people he's talking to anymore. He had seen them from a distance or had briefly exchanged pleasantries, but now desperately clings to them for jokes and validation. Jeonghan and Seungcheol leave. Slowly, more people start saying their goodbyes. Soonyoung doesn't feel ready to do it, not quite yet.

"Hey," Jihoon nudges his shoulder and Soonyoung looks up to his pink face and dark eyes. "Do you still want your luggage?"

"Yeah. I'm going back tomorrow at five."

"Alright."

They leave quietly, only whispering rushed goodbyes to people they used to know a few years ago. Soonyoung glances back at the room and wonders if he'll ever see anyone in there again, if he can call Wonwoo and Junhui next month without it being awkward.

Jihoon tugs at his coat sleeve so Soonyoung walks faster.

"It's freezing," Jihoon says, burying his nose in his coat.

"Why didn't you bring your car?"

"I don't drink and drive, asshole."

They end up calling a cab anyway, because it's still a long walk to the hotel and Jihoon really is cold, even though the weather is mild and Soonyoung feels warm all over.

"'m sorry," Jihoon mumbles after his head had tilted sideways and accidentally rested on Soonyoung's shoulder briefly. "I can't believe it's this late."

"You sort of lose track of time, don’t you?”

The cab driver ignores them, mechanically flicking on the turn signals and bringing the gear shift up and down. The top of Jihoon’s head brushes against Soonyoung’s shoulder. He wants to hold it there, in place.

“I felt myself being so boring back there. It was like I had nothing to say.”

“We used to talk about music a lot.”

“It’s the prettiest thing in the world,” Jihoon says dreamily. “To feel the rhythm of a song under your fingers. To hear the melody rising up around you. It’s as if your body is begging you to move.”

Soonyoung eyes the rearview mirror. The cab driver looks on forward.

“See? You aren’t boring at all.”

It starts drizzling by the time they get to the hotel and they run to shelter themselves inside. Soonyoung doesn’t even need to ask anything as Jihoon guides him upstairs.

“Second time we walk in all wet,” Jihoon jokes inside the elevator. “It must be a sign.”

“We must have pissed off so many clouds in our past life.”

Jihoon trembles as he laughs. He also turns on the heater when they walk into his room, even if it’s still hot and the rain is simply a summer drizzle. Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, although he’s already beginning to feel hot under the collar of his pressed shirt.

“This is your shirt.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jihoon says, taking off his tie. “You can keep it if you’d like.”

“Very nice of you, but I’ll let it dry first.”

Soonyoung barely notices what he’s doing until Jihoon turns around to face him and his eyes widen for a split second. Usually, Soonyoung would feel self-conscious about another person seeing his body like this, but not with him being so tight and definitely not with Jihoon. They had seen each other half-naked quite often at the locker rooms, so why was Soonyoung’s skin tingling and burning from the momentary shock Jihoon had displayed?

“Do you have another shirt you can let me borrow?”

“Shit, you must love wearing my clothes.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “So?”

“I want to play tennis,” Jihoon says while sitting in bed.

“You mean right now?” Soonyoung asks, half-joking.

“Yeah. Shit, there’s a playing field out back.”

“It’s probably closed.”

“No, no, it doesn’t have a lock.”

“We don’t have rackets. Or a ball.”

“We can just pretend.”

Soonyoung isn’t nearly drunk enough to agree, but he does nonetheless. The field is painted green and blue over the cement and the sky is already letting through some clarity. Soonyoung had put on his wet clothes again and the slight wind is probably going to make him ill, but he’s too busy watching Jihoon excitedly get into position and swing his invisible racket.

They grunt like the tennis players they watch on TV and it’s a wonder no one complains about the noise they make. Soonyoung bends down to save a low ball and Jihoon makes a movement that starts high and ends low before he can recover.

“Smash!” Jihoon yells.

“Fuck off!” Soonyoung replies.

“Keep an eye on the ball, Kwon!”

Soonyoung swings his arm at full speed and the next thing he knows Jihoon is stumbling backwards, letting himself fall to the ground with his hand over his face.

“Oh, shit,” Soonyoung yells and runs over to the other side of the court as fast as he can. He crouches next to Jihoon, who’s whimpering in pain. “Are you alright?”

“I think my nose is bleeding,” Jihoon complains, his fingers clamping his nostrils shut.

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung says, his hands coming up to cup Jihoon’s neck and jaw. He turns Jihoon’s head from side to side, as if inspecting a wound. “I’m just too strong, you know?”

Jihoon laughs and it’s such a clear and bright sound that Soonyoung immediately mimics it.

“Am I alright, doctor?” Jihoon asks, tilting his chin upwards.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung says, suddenly realizing how close they are, how gently his hands are holding Jihoon’s head in place. “I think so.”

Jihoon’s expression becomes slightly confused, and then more somber when he understands. Soonyoung’s thumbs graze his jawline, the small stubble forming there.

“I…” Soonyoung begins, but Jihoon is already slowly removing Soonyoung’s hands from his face.

“It’s alright, Soonyoung. You don’t have to say it.”

They slowly get up, wordlessly. They go back the way they had come, through the back door, the day waking up in hues of purple and soft-spun clouds. Their clothes are dry, but now they both stink of sweat on top of the liquor and smoke. It doesn’t bother Soonyoung much.

“At least we didn’t have to go past the receptionist,” Soonyoung says while he presses the button for the third floor. “I think they would honestly kick us out.”

A silence. Then, Soonyoung feels something pressing against his back. Jihoon sighs, his forehead moving slightly between Soonyoung’s shoulder blades. Soonyoung holds his breath for a moment - he’s sure Jihoon can feel it, the shallowness of his breathing, his heart drumming in a state of ecstasy. The doors of the elevator open too fast.

He’s half-expecting Jihoon to lift his head and walk in front of him, but he doesn’t. Soonyoung holds out his hand blindly and finds Jihoon’s own, letting their fingers interlock awkwardly, just enough so that they’re touching, but not enough so that they’re holding hands. He guides Jihoon forward, too scared to turn around and have the moment vanish, like Eurydice being taken by the shadows when Orpheus looked back.

Jihoon turns the key and as the door opens they both fall in, breathless. Jihoon grabs Soonyoung’s neck between his hands, just as Soonyoung had done a few moments earlier, and pulls him down. Soonyoung doesn’t have time to think, too bothered by the sinking of his stomach, the sudden tingling in his groin, Jihoon’s mouth open and soft against his. He grabs Jihoon’s hips first, then his hands slip under Jihoon’s shirt and come to rest on the low of his back. He wants too much, too quickly, before it’s gone.

Soonyoung’s hands are shaking when Jihoon pulls back, so he fists Jihoon’s collar to steady one of them and the other lands on Jihoon’s nape. Jihoon pants against Soonyoung’s cheek and then he nuzzles it, bites down on Soonyoung’s earlobe. They both look like they’re fighting, tugging and pulling, their shirts all rumpled and askew. Jihoon’s lips are raw, cherry-red from the friction and Soonyoung’s teeth.

“You stupid fucker,” Jihoon almost growls at him. “You can’t- You can’t just hold me that gently and then say I… I… Like you can’t finish it. It’s torturing me.”

“I love-”

“Don’t say it.”

Soonyoung can’t stop staring at Jihoon’s lips. His thumb slowly presses against them and Jihoon’s eyes flutter in a way that makes Soonyoung feel slightly drunk on power.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so fucking long,” Soonyoung admits.

“This is so bad,” Jihoon says as Soonyoung kisses down the column of his neck. “You know that, right?”

“I don’t fucking care. I couldn’t care less if you asked me to.”

Jihoon’s fingers play with Soonyoung’s ears, with the silver earrings Soonyoung had put on for the dinner. “I like these on you. They give you an edge.”

“I like your black hair.”

“You look different.”

“So you’ve told me.”

Jihoon keeps pushing Soonyoung until the back of his knees bump against the bed and Soonyoung's body naturally leans into the movement, slowly sitting down. Jihoon positions himself between Soonyoung's thighs and cradles Soonyoung's head in his arms.

Soonyoung stays motionless, afraid that the second he moves the moment will be over. His nose is pressed against Jihoon's sternum and although the stench of tobacco clings to Jihoon's shirt Soonyoung still can't turn away.

"You were right," Jihoon says, his voice reverberating in his chest. "I knew that day that you liked me. I was so upset and I didn't know why."

"Because I made you think of it," Soonyoung guesses.

"Because I couldn't think of anything else," Jihoon clarifies. "For three years we were just friends - or at least I thought that. Wonwoo knew, I think. He used to say we had the strangest relationship he had ever seen. I think people thought we hated each other."

"I could never hate you," Soonyoung says, looking up.

"You've never hated a thing in your life. Maybe that's why I was so angry at you. I just wished you would get mad at me."

"I hated Eunjeong."

"I think even her you loved," Jihoon's palm is calloused against Soonyoung's cheek. "How could I share so much of you?"

Soonyoung's eyes well up and when Jihoon kisses him again Soonyoung's fingers dig into his face like he's afraid he'll slip away.

They don't go any further that night. They don't even hold each other when they finally get under the covers. They simply lie there, motionless in that cold bed, and look at the ceiling or behind their eyelids. Beyond them, darkness suckles on the air like it's honey and the sun clings to the curtain, blind.

Soonyoung reaches out his hand.

"Have you thought," he starts, "that everything is going by too fast?"

Jihoon's fingers allow the touch.

"It's too much for me, Jihoonie. I need something… more. I need to feel alive, to be able to go outside and say I'm me, to be here right now and not somewhere else in my mind. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think I do," Jihoon turns to him. "In my dreams we're somebody else."

Sleep crawls lazily around them, caresses Soonyoung's eyelashes and softens Jihoon's jaw. It weighs on them like a blanket and when they wake up later they don't want to be parted from it.

"What time is it?" Jihoon asks, his voice deep with sleep.

"I don't want to know."

"Let's stay here a little longer, then."

Soonyoung props his head on top of his arm, looking at Jihoon's closed eyes and furrowed brows. He wants, more than anything, to caress Jihoon's face. He wants it to always be like this - spring, Jihoon always so close to the touch, the taste of champagne on his tongue. Just one step removed from reality, their almost day-to-day.

When Jihoon's eyes open, Soonyoung looks away, to his mouth. Jihoon's tongue runs over his bottom lip.

"It's stranger, during the daytime," Jihoon remarks.

"What is?"

"You, looking at me like that. It makes me feel weird."

Soonyoung blinks in confusion. "Like what? Like I'm in love with you?"

Jihoon's face twists in a grimace and his hand shoots up to push Soonyoung's face away. Soonyoung grabs Jihoon's wrist to wriggle free of his hold, but instead of removing his hand from his face Soonyoung simply presses a kiss to Jihoon's palm.

"I don't mind," Soonyoung says. "But I understand it must be difficult for you."

"Oh, fuck off," Jihoon laughs. "You think I mind? I guess in high school I didn't know, but… at university I started noticing. There was this boy named Mingyu, who was so fucking tall and he would tower over me whenever we talked to each other. I pretended I hated it, but I liked looking up at him, and I liked his hands," Jihoon looks thoughtful for a while. "I think Seungcheol was the first. He would always put his arm around my shoulders and he always smelled nice. And then, you."

Soonyoung keeps his grip on Jihoon's wrist, slowly brings his hand to his chest.

"My best friend all those years. The one who would drop anything to come and see me, who would raise up his hand and get sent to detention with me. All my loves have been unrequited, Soonyoung, except the one I felt most strongly about. I couldn't stand thinking about you and Eunjeong at that hotel, because I thought you would be together like this. I couldn't stand the thought of lying with you, either."

"It would be dangerous," Soonyoung smiles.

"I feel in danger right now," Jihoon agrees.

Soonyoung ducks his head and brings Jihoon's knuckles to his lips again. He's overwhelmed by a sense of devotion, a terrible hunger that begins in his mouth and sinks deep into the unknown hollow of his chest. Jihoon opens his hand and grabs Soonyoung's jaw. Soonyoung leans in and kisses the side of Jihoon's mouth, enjoying the shiver that he elicits from him.

"I've always wanted to call you - Jihoon, Jihoonie. My love," Soonyoung can't get enough of the love around his tongue. "My sweetest. My heart, my darling."

"Shut up."

"This is all that's in my mind, even though my memories are all blurred. You're the only one who knows them. And other memories - Wonwoo and Junhui, Jeonghan hyung and Seungcheol hyung - they're all in them as well. But now we've grown up and, and everyone's gone away. That's all that time has brought. I've been so alone."

Jihoon turns his face to his pillow, like he can't bear to listen to Soonyoung. Soonyoung kisses the outside of his ear, the underside of his jaw.

"Can we…?" Jihoon eyes Soonyoung from under his lashes, half of his face hidden. Soonyoung's breath hitches and before he can answer his hands are already on Jihoon's neck, pressing tighter until Jihoon is forced to turn to him. "Are you going to choke me?"

"I'll do whatever you want me to."

Jihoon's lips part and Soonyoung takes the chance to swoop in, to kiss Jihoon as if he's biting him, to add pressure to his neck. Jihoon moans and wriggles slightly, his mouth opening like he can't breathe in any other manner.

It's probably already noon, so Soonyoung's famish is taken out on Jihoon. Jihoon doesn't stay behind, though, pulling Soonyoung's shirt up and moving to get on top of him. Soonyoung's hands slide to the back of his neck and he loves the feeling of Jihoon's head in his hands, the vulnerability of it.

"I've been keeping this inside for so long," Jihoon says and when he's over Soonyoung like this the light haloes half of his face. "I don't know how to explain it."

"I know I'm hot," Soonyoung says and Jihoon smacks his cheek lightly for that. "No punch this time?"

"I'll do it if you want."

Soonyoung laughs. Then, Jihoon grinds down on him and the sound dies in his throat.

"Tell me what Mingyu did to you."

"Oh," Jihoon sighs. "He held me down and went down on me-"

"Did he?"

"No. No, we didn't do anything."

" _Jihoon_."

"I wanted him to," Jihoon admits, his hips moving frantically in circles now. "He reminded me so much of you. He had that same kind of obnoxious energy, the same permanent smile."

"Did you want him to be me?" Soonyoung asks, his mouth moving against Jihoon's cheek.

"Yes. Yes, Soonyoung, fuck."

So Soonyoung grabs Jihoon's shoulder and switches their positions. Jihoon's eyes aren't wide in surprise anymore, but hooded and filled with intent. Soonyoung kisses him down his neck, hoists Jihoon's shirt up and presses light kisses along his side, towards the dip of his hips.

Jihoon's breath hitches as Soonyoung's fingers fumble with the buttons of his pants. It's a very interesting sound. Soonyoung feels it in the bottom of his stomach, even while he's busy pulling Jihoon's pants down.

"Come on," Jihoon urges him.

"What else?" Soonyoung asks, his fingers tugging at Jihoon's boxers.

"Hm?"

"What did this Mingyu do to you?"

When Jihoon looks down his pupils are blown out, his eyes so dark that it startles Soonyoung.

"Don't be jealous."

"I'm not. But if you don't give something I'm going to lose my mind over here."

“Over what?”

Soonyoung huffs, annoyed. He really isn’t going to let the matter drop.

“Soonyoung, you’re being unreasonable,” Jihoon says, chuckling. “C’mon, now.”

“You know I stayed faithful to you all these years,” Soonyoung points out, climbing back up and dropping butterfly kisses on Jihoon’s jaw. “Only you, you know.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

Soonyoung remembers how Jihoon used to jump away whenever Soonyoung touched his nape back in high school. It’s good knowledge to have stored in the back of his mind. He uses his hand to move Jihoon’s face to the side and licks the back of Jihoon’s neck. The results are immediate.

“Wha- Don’t do that, holy shit, you know I hate having my nape touched,” Jihoon complains, but his cheeks are heating under Soonyoung’s fingertips.

“I know.”

Soonyoung bites down on the bottom of his nape. Jihoon suppresses a gasp, but Soonyoung is content with the fact that tomorrow there will be a mark there, deep and purple and with the shape of his teeth. He kisses over it, moves along Jihoon’s neck until Jihoon is squirming under him, his eyes shut tight.

“I didn’t know you liked to be pampered like this,” Soonyoung comments, shifting his attention towards Jihoon’s earlobe.

“Fuck-” but the _you_ gets stuck as Soonyoung sucks on Jihoon’s earlobe, hard enough that he can taste skin on his tongue. Jihoon’s hand comes up, his fingers tangling on Soonyoung’s hair, and his chest is as close to heaving as Soonyoung has ever seen it outside of sport-related instances.

“Sensitive?” Soonyoung asks. Jihoon groans in return. “Jihoonie.”

“Yes. Shit.”

“You can be loud. No one knows us here.”

But Jihoon keeps biting his lip as Soonyoung licks and sucks around the shell of his ear and across the column of his neck. Soonyoung’s leg hitches up a bit and he feels Jihoon’s erection pressing against his thigh. The whole thing is sending Soonyoung over the edge and it’s quite embarrassing, really.

“Do you think you could come like this?” Soonyoung asks, shyly.

“What?”

“Just with me doing this,” Soonyoung bites down on the top of Jihoon’s shoulder, “and this,” and he lets his leg move against Jihoon’s dick, gently and full of intent.

Jihoon gives a full-body shudder underneath him. “Sadly, I think I could.”

“Good,” Soonyoung says. “Because I’m really close and you aren’t even touching me.”

Jihoon looks at him from the corner of his eye. "You can rub off on me, if you'd like."

He says it with such casualty that Soonyoung can't really process it for a moment. His body catches up faster than his brain and all of a sudden his hips are circling and his dick is pressing against Jihoon's, just as Jihoon had done a few minutes prior.

"Jihoon," he whispers as Jihoon's fingers tighten on his hair.

"It's okay. I want you to touch me."

Soonyoung, embarrassingly, cries out. His hand reaches between their bodies and finishes pulling Jihoon's pants down, at least just enough for Soonyoung to grab Jihoon's dick. Jihoon shivers, like he did in the elevator, and Soonyoung just wants to cover him entirely.

"You're pulling too hard," Jihoon complains.

"Sorry. You're not pulling at all."

Jihoon laughs. Soonyoung has always loved to make people laugh, but Jihoon especially. He never hid his laugh, always tipped his head back, mouth open and teeth bare, his eyes crinkling. Soonyoung presses a kiss to his Adam's apple. Jihoon had grown so much in such a short amount of time, from a lithe, small boy into a handsome man. Soonyoung relishes in feeling Jihoon's muscles shifting under him, taking in his broad shoulders and strong jaw.

"You're hot now," Soonyoung says, slowing down the movement of his wrist.

Jihoon snorts. "Was I not before?"

"You were cute."

Jihoon sulks at this and Soonyoung remembers that pout in Jihoon's fuller face. He thinks he kept falling in love with it. He falls once again.

"Let me get on top."

Soonyoung obeys, wordlessly. Then, Jihoon is slipping Soonyoung's boxers out and they're pressed together, skin to skin, as Jihoon begins to rock downward. Soonyoung chokes back a moan.

"You were always cuter than me," Jihoon says and Soonyoung almost melts. "I found it annoying, really."

"Shit, I don't care, please just touch me, please."

Jihoon's eyelashes flutter against Soonyoung's cheek. He slips to his end of the bed and all of a sudden they're lying on their sides, their foreheads touching and their hands fumbling to finish each other off.

"Please tell me you're close," Soonyoung could weep at how tense his entire body is.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am, you can come."

So Soonyoung does, clinging to Jihoon's shoulder and closing his eyes as tightly as he can. His hand nearly stops, but soon the shock is over and he's jerking Jihoon off again, fast and intent.

"Turn around," Soonyoung says. At Jihoon's questioning look he adds, "Trust me."

Jihoon does and Soonyoung barely has time to sling his arm over his hips and pump him a few times before Jihoon is coming once he feels Soonyoung's teeth dig into the back of his neck.

"Holy shit," Jihoon whispers, his palm slapping the back of his own neck, like he's embarrassed. "Do _not_ fucking do that."

"Jihoon-"

But Jihoon is stretching his entire body, like a last minute spasm, and he lets out a deep sigh that's as close to a moan as Soonyoung had gotten out of him. Then Jihoon turns to Soonyoung, cradles his cheek and kisses him. It startles Soonyoung more than his orgasm. It's as tender a touch as Soonyoung has ever experienced.

"Soonyoung," Jihoon says as Soonyoung remains immobile, jaw-slackened. "Let's go shower."

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣

Soonyoung appreciates the bruises blooming dark all across Jihoon's neck and shoulders as he soaps his hair. They had decided to take turns and currently Jihoon is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, putting on his dress shirt.

"I wish you wouldn't wear something so high-collared," Soonyoung remarks. "It _is_ spring."

Jihoon doesn't even turn back to look at him. "I'm not going to be paraded about," he says.

"Sadly."

This time Jihoon does turn around, mostly to glare at Soonyoung. Soonyoung dunks his head underwater to wash off the shampoo and hide from Jihoon's keen eye. He hears something while he submerges, far off and distorted.

"What?" He asks when he comes up again, rubbing the soap from his eyes.

"I said I don't want you to go."

It's barely above a whisper, but it echoes around the bathroom all the same. Soonyoung slouches forwards, wanting to touch Jihoon's hair.

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung says, unsure why he’s apologizing. Jihoon shakes his head and stands up. “Hey.”

“I know I’m being clingy. I hate it. When we finished high school I thought I could stand it, keeping up with everyone at long distance. Maybe they would call. Maybe I would. But it just isn’t how the world works.”

“Jihoon.”

Jihoon looks up and the strangest sensation runs through Soonyoung’s body. It’s like Jihoon was somewhere else and suddenly he was recognizing Soonyoung, fully and intimately, his eyes clear and focused. For a moment Soonyoung is just being looked at, thought of, known. It’s strangely discomforting.

“When do you graduate?” Soonyoung asks, resting his arms on the edge of the bathtub where Jihoon had been sitting a few moments ago. “April?”

“May.”

“May. June, then.”

Jihoon cocks his head. “What about June?”

“Let’s meet then,” Soonyoung says. “If you want to of course.”

Soonyoung wants to bite his tongue. Maybe this had all been a one time thing for Jihoon, something to exorcise from his teenage years so that he could move on. Maybe he didn’t care to see Soonyoung anymore and this sudden unwillingness to let him go was just one last moment being stretched out to exhaustion. The tiles are getting wet from where Soonyoung is leaning his head forwards and Jihoon moves the towel laid out on the floor with his socked foot to clean it.

"You mean it?"

Soonyoung nods. Jihoon simply kneels on the towel and takes Soonyoung's wet face in his hands.

"Do you really want to see me again?"

Soonyoung closes his eyes. "Of course."

When Jihoon doesn't say anything else, Soonyoung takes his hand from his face and kisses Jihoon's palm and the inside of his wrist. Jihoon allows it, sighing almost silently.

“Just tell me if you’d like to be left alone,” Soonyoung says. “It could be just this.”

“I don’t want it to be just this,” Jihoon assures him. “I want it to always be like this.”

They’re gripping each other’s hands like they’re last resort lifelines. They used to talk about life and expectations, but now they’re too scared to even speak of the future. Soonyoung wonders if Jihoon also feels like he was this close to the end of the line, the trails on the path of his life narrowing further every year that passes. “You’re so young,” his mother tells him all the time. “You have time”.

“There’s only so much time,” he blurts out. “It’s all slipping away.”

“Stop worrying and get dressed,” Jihoon recommends, steadily.

The drive to the station is awkward and disjointed. Their conversation starts on one topic and ends on another before Jihoon can even reach the next stop light. He’s not the best driver, really, but Soonyoung finds his nervousness charming. Jihoon hums to the songs on the radio and Soonyoung remembers days when Jihoon would sing for him, embarrassed to his core at letting himself be seen like that. He remembers them dancing together just for fun, just to make their classmates laugh, even if Soonyoung’s heart would start hammering like crazy whenever Jihoon linked their hands together. It figures, really, that he would never be able to get over Jihoon.

When the moment comes, Soonyoung's untouched backpack in his hand, he gets stuck. He stares at Jihoon, who's looking up expectantly at him, both paralised in the middle of the station. A throng of people walks past them, some hurriedly, some leisurely.

"June," Soonyoung says.

"June," Jihoon repeats. “Wait, what day?”

“Fifteen. It’s-”

“Your birthday,” Jihoon finishes. “Fifteen. At ten?”

“Ten.”

They can't kiss here, but Soonyoung yearns for it nonetheless. He settles for a hug. Jihoon's hands wrap up around his waist, his cheek resting against Soonyoung's shoulder. Soonyoung looks to the floor, then his eyes begin to sting, so he looks up ahead.

"You should go," Jihoon says, moving away. "Your train leaves in a bit."

"Alright," but Soonyoung doesn't move.

"Soonyoung."

"I'm just looking. Alright," this time he does adjust the strap of his backpack and starts walking away. He turns back just one more time. "June!"

"June!" Jihoon yells back.

Soonyoung smiles and starts jogging towards his platform, clutching the ticket in his pocket. He jumps down two steps at a time until he finally reaches it with two minutes to go.

"Close!" He mutters to himself.

As he takes a deep breath he catches something from the corner of his eye. Fully focused now, he notices a woman on the other side of the platform. She's wearing a light blue dress, a see-through shawl around her shoulders. Eunjeong.

For a second Soonyoung is too stunned to really do anything. Should he greet her? His train is about to arrive. If she had been at the reunion she had probably arrived late and they had missed her. Did she even attend it at all? Did she get cold feet? It makes him feel a slight degree of pity to imagine her backing out last minute so she wouldn't have to face the people she knew hated her. Jihoon was right - Soonyoung did love her, in a way. She was so unbearingly human, so markedly part of their experience in high school. Soonyoung hopes she can find happiness, somewhere.

Their eyes lock across the platform. Soonyoung just stares for a second before he smiles. He raises a hand. She smiles back.

It had seemed the end of the world back then, when Jihoon had told him he liked her. Every small, unimportant thing had been exacerbated through the romantic eyes of youth and now it all seems a bit clearer. Even if they will probably never be able to apologize to each other, their gazes entail a reconciliation that is wholly mature. One day, Soonyoung thinks, they will barely remember each other. He lets Eunjeong go.

The train arrives and, with that, she disappears into the dark.

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣

_**Epilogue** _

“It was quite dumb of you not to ask for his phone number,” Wonwoo comments, putting out his cigarette.

Soonyoung sighs. “You think I don’t know that?”

Soonyoung had waited on the train station for over an hour. He had loitered around, frustrated, wondering if Jihoon had forgotten. Then his mind had drifted off to other possibilities, the most predominant of which was that Jihoon had simply ditched him and decided not to show up.

At noon, Soonyoung had called Wonwoo, whom he knew was staying with Sejeong and her parents for the summer. They had met up at a cafe and tiptoed around the issue, Wonwoo congratulating him and Soonyoung thanking him flatly. Then Soonyoung had caved in and told him everything. Wonwoo has always been a good listener and Soonyoung knows he won’t judge him. At least he thinks he won’t, since he doesn’t really know anyone anymore.

Which is the current point of the situation. Wonwoo is narrowing his eyes at him from behind his glasses, tapping his fingertips on the table. Soonyoung is looking down at his untouched fries.

“As far as birthdays go, not the brightest one so far,” Wonwoo says.

“I assume you’re just going to stand there all day pointing out the miseries of my life.”

Wonwoo snorts. “Sorry. It just really sounds like a soap opera.”

“This isn’t high school. I’m not going to mope about it.”

Except he does mope about it and Wonwoo sees through him immediately.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing like love to make us feel like we’re kids again.”

Soonyoung mock gags. “Don’t be gross.”

“No, it’s true,” Wonwoo insists. “At first I thought I only liked Sejeong because my infatuation was still lingering somewhere in the back of my head, but then… I just couldn’t let her go. Everyone else was fine to be placed amidst my memories, but not her. I needed her to know me, not just then, but also now, with all my changes and flaws.”

The TV above them buzzes on with some old K-drama playing, the sound coming out low and shaky through the speakers. The lady serving them is nice and her eyes crinkle with crows feet when she smiles. Soonyoung wonders if he can think of life that kindly when he reaches her age. He’s already filled with so much bitterness.

“Soonyoung, I always knew you two were… different. Even though you were my friend I could see how much more Jihoon meant to you. You obsessed over Eunjeong because you wanted to figure out what she had that you didn’t. That’s perfectly normal.”

“Fuck,” Soonyoung says. “It was stupid of me not to ask for his number.”

“It was. Do you want to go for a walk?”

They do just that, wandering the streets of Seoul and reminiscing certain events while passing through particularly evocative places. They buy ice creams and comment on the people around them, watch as a marching band passes by. It's like a breath of fresh air to be there again.

“Did you hear about Jun?” Wonwoo asks once the only sound still discernible is of the fading drum.

“Hm?”

“He’s engaged.”

Soonyoung stops in his tracks. “Oh. Good for him.”

Wonwoo grins at him and Soonyoung guesses what he’s thinking. Junhui is so far away and Soonyoung doesn’t think about him that often anymore, but when he does it’s with a dull ache. He knows for certain then that everything is so far away from him, the constant worrying about grades, the loud customers at the restaurant he worked at to save up some money for college, the indignation when the administration of the school had cancelled their annual fair, his spontaneity when he had arrived at the airport and got into that plane with Eunjeong. He must make his own memories now.

“You should call to congratulate him.”

“I don’t have his number.”

Wonwoo laughs. “I’ll give it to you.”

Wonwoo leaves when the sun starts to set. Soonyoung has a train to catch anyways, so they part. It’s strange to wonder when they’ll see each other again, if ever. Soonyoung hopes soon. He can still have some bits of his past with him, he thinks. It’s a fair deal to carry small pieces of people he cares about.

Jihoon keeps popping up in the back of his mind even though Soonyoung had been desperately trying to at least have some fun for his birthday. Hopefully he can get home in time for dinner and his family will sing "Happy Birthday" to him. That used to be enough, once.

As Soonyoung climbs down the steps of the station he’s assaulted by a very strong sensation of déjà vu. Just two months ago he had been here, feeling more complete and more at peace with himself than ever. When he reaches the bottom of the steps, he stops.

Beyond some waiting passengers, sat on a far away bench, he recognizes Jihoon. At first Soonyoung tries not to get his hopes up, but as he walks closer he realizes that it is him. He’s slouching a bit, his arms crossed and his head drooped in a light nod. Soonyoung crouches in front of him.

“Jihoon.”

That name alone feels liberating to say. Jihoon stirs, blinking slowly at first and then looking up disoriented. When his vision clears he smiles in relief. Soonyoung’s heart sinks in his chest.

“Happy birthday,” Jihoon says and Soonyoung can’t help the tears pricking his eyes. “Hey, don’t cry. You look ugly like that.”

“I know. You always used to say that,” Soonyoung remarks, wiping his face. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I just completely forgot when you were due to arrive and then I fell asleep, so I simply caught the first train I could get on. Then when I got here I couldn’t find you anywhere, so I just waited here.”

“How long have you been waiting?”

“Since noon.”

Soonyoung bites his lip, half concerned, half concealing a smile. “We should get you something to eat.”

“Oh, I did eat. The food from the vending machines is absolutely indigestible. You better make up for it.”

“It’s not my fault you forgot the hour.”

Jihoon looks dashingly handsome in his black dress pants and white t-shirt. Soonyoung can’t help to admire how good he looks by just wearing simple dress clothes, but it makes him feel terribly inadequate in his blue jeans and checkered shirt.

The restaurant they go to isn’t anything fancy, just a tucked away noodle shop with few customers. The heat is a bit unbearable, but Soonyoung knows it won’t bother Jihoon much, even if it's nearly thirty degrees outside.

“I forgot to ask you for your number,” Soonyoung says when the food arrives.

“I know. That was quite stupid of us.”

Soonyoung smiles. He tells Jihoon about meeting Wonwoo, about Junhui’s engagement, about the end of his academic course. They could talk for hours and hours. Soonyoung abandons all hope of arriving home before the day ends. Instead, he suggests to Jihoon that they should walk together to the pier after dinner.

"The traffic is awful here," Jihoon says as they make their way towards the outskirts of the city. "I thought it would be better to come by train."

"Trains are great," Soonyoung asserts in a way that would be comical, were he not so serious. "I just love to be sitting still and watching the world move around me. Even then, when it all seems a blur, the trees and buildings - everything is there. It all feels so stable, like I could be right here or twenty years into the past."

"I like that," Jihoon concedes. "I just like to sleep in them."

"That's good, too. It's very peaceful."

"I couldn't, really. Not while thinking about meeting you. I did watch the scenery outside, so I guess I understand what you're saying. The world is so vast and we're just passing by, like tiny dots. We want the train to stop so we can visit someplace or someone we love, but it just keeps going."

Soonyoung feels the wind knocked out of him. "Yeah, that's it. Although you put it much more nicely than me", he nudges Jihoon's arm. "Always the poet."

"I try," Jihoon smiles bashfully.

The pier is even nicer at night, in the summer. There are lights glittering all around, everything quiet but the sea. There isn't even a breeze to stir their clothes.

"Remember when we fell here?"

"That was just a couple of months ago, Soonyoung."

"Yes, but you do remember."

 _I love you for remembering_ , Soonyoung doesn't say. It seems such a small gesture, to remember. Yet, truly, memory is a feeble and maleable thing - did he imagine that weekend? Did Jihoon's fingers really feel that way on his skin? Was everything as slow, tender and sweet as it appeared in Soonyoung's mind?

Jihoon turns his head to him.

"It's so silent. But you can hear the sea."

Soonyoung reaches out his hand and Jihoon takes it. They don't really care if anyone sees them. They're here, now, two people overflowing with love and yearning, shoving away petty emotions to make more space for those sentiments. One time Jihoon had held Soonyoung's hand like this in high school, almost by accident. Soonyoung had been about to write something stupid on the board after the classroom had emptied and Jihoon had gripped his hand. Soonyoung's fingers had let the chalk fall to the floor and they couldn't recover from the surprise of the touch before it had stretched on for too long. So Jihoon had stood there, holding Soonyoung's hand, Soonyoung letting his hand be held, everything quiet around them. Again, a sense of déjà vu.

"I miss this moment already," Soonyoung says.

Jihoon clutches his hand tighter. "But we'll remember it. That's enough."

It's a long while before they return to the station to catch the last train of the night. It's late and the only people walking around the station are tired workers and a few sleep deprived travelers. Soonyoung tries very intently not to cry.

"And now?" He asks once they reach the platform.

"I give you my phone number," Jihoon says. "You call me. Or I call you."

"Alright."

They exchange their numbers mechanically, in an adolescent manner. Soonyoung is just about to turn his back when he takes a deep breath.

"Actually," he starts. "Do you want to come to Jeju with me?"

Jihoon blinks at him. "What, now?"

"No, not now, but... you know. Sometime in the summer."

Jihoon barely takes a moment to think about it. "Yes. I'd love to. As long as you don't make me sleep in a bathtub."

Soonyoung laughs and hugs him without even thinking about it. Jihoon struggles a bit, but then resigns himself to it.

"Guess I'll have to get used to the touchiness," he says.

"I'm sorry. I-" Soonyoung trails off.

He can hear the smile in Jihoon's voice. "You can say it now."

It comes off almost like a sigh: "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jihoon's train arrives. Soonyoung still doesn't dare to kiss him on the lips, but he does presses a kiss to the top of his head. 

"Be safe. July?"

"July."

Jihoon leans down and presses a chaste kiss to Soonyoung's lips. He shoots Soonyoung one last smile before he gets in, leaving Soonyoung flustered in the middle of a nearly empty station. Soonyoung watches the train crawl away, slowly at first, then picking up speed. He sits down on a bench, taking in the quiet of the night. For a moment, he imagines he could hear the sea, roaring distantly, like a faded memory trying to climb out. He can't quite figure it out.

Soonyoung looks across to the other side. There's nobody there. He imagines Jihoon waiting for him, the scent of the sea clinging to his shirt, and his mind eases.

Then, he leans back, closes his eyes and waits for his train to arrive.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it's been a while, uh! 
> 
> i wrote this fic for THE BIG SCREEN II: SOONHOON FanFest by TBS_Soonhoon, so i'm very thankful to the moderators for making me write again lmao. i'm also very thankful to alice, @aquariusblues, for pushing me to participate. go read her fic!
> 
> hopefully nothing feels too rushed, my procrastinating ass had such a hard time keeping in schedule lol. also this is mainly inspired by this video on Ocean Waves' LGBT subtext, so i definitely recommend you check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbFnvTiHLw8&t=1250s
> 
> thank you so much for reading!


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